The Wildlife Olympics have received little media attention given the unfortunate timing of the Summer Olympics. For the beleaguered wildlife representatives from western Canada, that’s probably just as well.
The group started out with such promise, particularly in the synchronized swimming event. However, if the waterfowl team wins a medal, it will be without their coach. She left the team in a huff complaining her young protégés should only win gold for synchronized squawking! An insider later revealed she was upset they were winning too many early matches.
The Canadians also had high hopes in the expressive dance competition with a young grizzly known for his smooth moves. His remarkable performance left the audience in tears but a surprisingly low mark from the Russian judge put him out of the medals. The judge may now be under investigation for his bear preference.
Canadians are typically strong in the fishing event. They have been buoyed by the performances of younger members in these games. However, controversy erupted after the fish contingent complained bitterly about violations to the catch and release rule. One duck, who refused to be identified, claimed he thot it was more of a guideline. Canadian officials are investigating but the evidence seems to have disappeared.
The ladybugs received an unpleasant surprise when they arrived at the games for their pole-climbing event. While the team had demonstrated remarkable expertise in climbing long grass, they were shocked to learn the Wildlife Olympics uses a real pole. The ladybugs are upset Canadian officials are giving in too easily to the Olympic committee. “It would be a whole different story if it happened to polar bears,” the team captain groused.
There are a number of contenders in the newest Wildlife Olympics event – walking on water. The geese and terns thought they represented Canada, but there was general confusion when a moose somehow qualified for the event. The whole episode is now in the hands of the qualifying committee who seem to have gone into hiding.
Unfortunately there is one injury to report. A black bear had his face damaged in a wrestling warmup with a teammate. The coach decided to use food as an incentive, unleashing a level of passion not seen in these games. The bear is expected to make a full recovery. In unrelated news, the same coach denied knowing any Russian judges at a special hearing earlier in the day.
Finally, a sea turtle from Hawaii received her Canadian citizenship just before the games and will be competing in the beach crawl event. Her new coach was unable to comment on her chances for a medal, since she had been unable to find her during time trials earlier in the day.
The Canadian contingent could only hope their loyal fans back home were distracted by the Summer Olympics and missed some of the less-than-stellar moments at these games.